Doomsday. an original story by Jamie (me)

[Blade_Viper]

Doomsday

10...9.....8....7.....6.....5...4...3...2...1.....
The clock ticked down to doomsday.
The blood covered streets screamed as the cry of innocents are silenced by the constant call of death. The sky is red, the scent of blood and misery. Little girls cry but...no tears...only blood. The streets set a flame in an illusion of broken dreams and uncovered nightmares. We couldn’t have done anything...it is only nature, nature’s way of dying...by taking us with it.
For one to be a savoir would be a god send....we can only hope...only hope...
*BRIIIING!!!!!*
Ugh..alarm clocks, why did they have to be created? All they are, are some stupid contraption to pull you out of Dreamland.
Oops I forgot to introduce myself how rude; I’m Arin by the way. 15 years of age..Musician and dignified ladies man *chika chika*
“Arin get up!!!”
My mum yells at me, like always.
So I skip breakfast and head to school.  Registration was not much, except that I sit next to the goddess known as Ashley.
I mean come on her hazelnut hair glistens in the sunlight and her green eyes spark up a dark night with her beauty. Her figure is just right and she’s about 5 foot 5 while I’m about 5 foot 7; we’re perfect! (Also she has a nice personality I guess but nobody cares about that and it doesn’t matter)
So we were hanging out with each other and we were walking; but she tripped and landed face up, and the view was perfect because....well never mind.
“Ow...wait were you looking at my breasts!? You pervert!!!!”
.....damn it.

She seemed annoyed for the last few days at me for what happened...But can you blame me? She tripped and I got the perfect angle and....ok I’ll shut up about that.

I guess I’ll introduce you to my other friend Ross; He’s kind of a goofball. He mainly gets me into trouble from anything from minor pranks to him peeking on girls then I have to take the blame...but he’s an ok guy overall. Anyway we were walking about the Red lit town (because of the sky) then we saw something weird, some guy was screaming “I’m an Abomination! I’m an Abomination!!”
We saw blue skin on him and yellow eyes which has never happened before in this town so it could have something to do with the sky and chemical changes but we thought nothing of it at the time...how foolish.

           *10 hours later. 10 days until Doomsday*
I find myself to be quite dignified as a gentleman, ladies man *chika chika* and a boyfriend; even though I’m not in a relationship (I want to be in one though) so I decided today is the day!! I’m going to ask Ashley out!!! Now I know what you’re thinking
“Oh you are just like every other teenage guy”
I say no way; I’m not like them because unlike the chavs I may have a personality so I have an instant chance against them.
“Hey Ashley, I was wondering if you would like to go out with me?”
I asked heart in my hands.
“Hmm? Oh...uh...look Arin, I kind of have a crush on Dave”
DAVE!?!? Dave is a stupid bone head with no reason to exist in the universe but to make intelligent individuals like myself and Ashley look like gods in our own respect when it comes with intelligence. Dave doesn’t deserve life....infact....I have an idea, what if I kill that bastard and Ashley will have no choice but to love me. She will be all over me like im some kind of Fragrance she wants, hah Dave...you are mine.

Dave was hanging about his usual place, the Garage; stupid place I say, filled with smoking hooligans with no place in society.
“Dave!”
I called out. I felt sick even calling him over he was that vile.
“Yeah Arin? What do you need?”
He asked, he seemed to have this light tone on him..He can’t fool me with his pathetic charade of innocence.
“We need a talk, come lets walk”
So we walked and talked (to my displeasure) and I asked him:
“So Dave...what do you think of Ashley?”
I asked
“Ashley? She’s a complete and utter waste of time, money and food resources. I hate her guts”
Ok this shallow shell of a man must die for all what he called one of the most perfect human beings of all time! Just calling her “ok” is an insult but what he...no not he...It called her is inexcusable.
So I did what anyone else would do...I shanked him in a dark alleyway near the garage. What? You were expecting anything different? I’m not wasting my time doing anything fancy to this Douchacis Maximus known (and now formerly known) as “Dave”.
                             *9 days until Doomsday*
The news hit that Dave was mysteriously stabbed last night in cold blood, oh well it was his fault for dying. He forgot that nobody can mention Ashley in a bad light without dying.
The weird thing is that...she was crying, why? Why must she obsess over someone who has or had no interest in her? It’s sad really...She is so ignorant over somebody that didn’t like her and never would’ve seeing that he’s that dense. I was about to walk away when I saw this guy hugging her! How dare him!! Getting close to someone he doesn’t even know her while I’m here looking out for her and her wellbeing!!

Ohoho I have a brilliant idea, now you’re going to call me a “maniac” or “crazy” but... what if I kill everyone she’s close to? Now they won’t be fancy kill’s just strikes to the neck or stabbing them. I’m going to make sure she knows how it’s like for everyone around her to die and me being the only one left, its genius I know save the applause for later. First target is lover boy over there hugging Ashley, It’s quite simple really:
1: Lure him or her in possibly by saying that an accident happened.
2: get him or her to a nice and dark alley way.
3: kill him or her (way is still to be specified)

But.... here’s the problem, I’m scared of making a pattern for myself because that’s how most killers get caught. So I’ll just try something new each time; plus it’s fitting because of the red sky. The sky is piercing my heart with visions of suffering...and I like it.
So I went up to him, let him follow me in an alleyway and well...killed him, one down 20 to go *sigh*.

So the week went as followed ahem.
Kill, eat, sleep, see someone else with Ashley, repeat.
Though things have gotten weird with the world now, people are dying left and right (no, not because of me), birds are growing three eyes, pigs are learning how to fly and I’m sure I just became a monkey’s uncle.
But seriously though earthquakes are happening here, volcanoes are developing in the streets...it’s like Doomsday...no...No that’s impossible; Doomsday is only a myth, isn’t it? It cannot be real...I have too many people to kill, so many innocent minds to be crushed because of one girl...that girl. Why is she so alluring to me. Like a rose blossom on a sunny spring morning this girl was attractive but...her mental state was too ordinary. She wasn’t too funny, sassy, mean, sad, happy...she was just neutral which was boring. I’ve killed about 30 people now just because of this doll. This doll who has no feelings towards me, she is the textbook definition of boring! She made me kill. The police should be on me. If I would compare her to something it would be those boring girls in sitcoms. You know the ones, the girls from Full House, Saved by the Bell, Fresh Prince of Bell Air and many others...I’m not going to kill anyone anymore...my main target is her, she doesn’t deserve to die like everyone else...she deserves a slow and painful death..Watch out Ashley because the train of Arin is coming soon and the next stop is hell.

September 7th. Monday. 1 hour until Doomsday.

*Knock, Knock, Knock*
It’s Ross. Picking me up for school but I have other plans...
While we were walking to school he randomly said.
“Come on man, the girls come out this way at about 4ish after they have P.E. you may even find Ashley there.”
“Uh I’ll have to pass Ross. I have a feeling that Ashley won’t make it to school today. Um I have to go. Let me know how hard you failed at seducing the girls later”
“Arin you are not going anywhere!”
Ross grabbed me and punched me to the ground
“I know you killed all of those people! Ashley knows! The whole School knows! We all know you are nothing but a Psychopath and you need to be stopped...and I’m going to do the honours...”
And like that Ross grabbed a knife from his pocket and went to stab me with hunger in his eyes. I quickly grabbed it from him and stabbed him
“Tell me Ross...how does it feel being nothing but a pawn in the system? A mere ant in a colony...I’m doing you a favour. You don’t need to thank me...the whole world will burn with me being on top...on top of you and every single pathetic mortal in this world.”
And with that I finished him....now onto my main target. Miss Ashley Winters...oh boy.

15 minutes until doomsday

There she was....young Ashley, now it’s time to make my move.
“Hello Ashley...”
I said, sounding as threatening as possible.
“A-Arin? D-didn’t Ross kill you!?”
“oh he tried and what a good try it was...Tell me Ashley...do you believe in a pure, unending nightmare? If not...then I’m going to make you believe”
“Please don’t kill me Arin! I’ll do anything!  I’ll even have sex with you if that’s what you want!”
She is crying now...Pathetic.
“See usually I would’ve said yes to that but now...I know what you’re like; you go through guys like tissues. I’m going to kill you, and I’m going to enjoy every. Last. Minute of it!”
20...19....18...17...16...15...
One slash to the face, two slashes, three, four, five. Oh the blood...oh the terror...it’s beautiful. I was going to break her and that’s what I’m doing. She’s screaming and crying but I don’t care! It’s a game for me! Let’s see how much I blood can get out of Ashley.
14....13...12...11...
“P...please stop...I beg you Arin....please...”
“How weak of you. Begging for your life, well I’m going end your misery right here!”
And like that...it begun.

10...9.....8....7.....6.....5...4...3...2...1.....
The clock ticked down to doomsday.
The blood covered streets screamed as the cry of innocents are silenced by the constant call of death. The sky is red, the scent of blood and misery. Little girls cry but...no tears...only blood. The streets set a flame in an illusion of broken dreams and uncovered nightmares. We couldn’t have done anything...it is only nature, nature’s way of dying...by taking us with it.
For one to be a savoir would be a god send....we can only hope...only hope...

[Flip Flapper]

i wanna make one thing eprfectly clear, im not going to say all of this stuff to be an asshole, the opposite actually, im saying it to help you grow as a writer so please understand this and read ALL of what im about to say and listen to it

ok were to begin.... it is a nice idea and i find myself enjoying it but its more in a sense of "So bad its good" from the main character, he is the one thing making this story fun, everyone else is extremely bland, why even frow in the end of the world? if it is what i think your going for that the main character is just imagining it then it works quite well but if it is actually the end of the world i honestly thinks its just out of place
Like i said all characters are really bland and we had no indication whatsoever that Ross would be willing to do something like murder, Ashley is probably the worst as we learn literally NOTHING about her, why care about what is happening if we do not care about the characters? and why care about characters who are so bland? the main character, while lots of fun, is REALLY inconsistent and he just decides to murder someone WAAAAY to easily and quickly with zero remorse, i would be ok with this if not for the fact that after 30 kills he just without putting much thought into it decides Ashley isnt worth it and decides to kill her
Ok if he is willing to go trough all of that for her why the HELL did he just change his mind so quickly?

How to improve this: with the characters i cant really give more tips then give us more time to get to know them ,that way we care what happens to them, i couldnt care less about the people murdered becuse it happens of screen and we dont even know their names, with the thing with the main character i think if we had been given more time to see him start to change oppinion and actually know what he is thinking durign the timeskip of the murders it would have worked much better, i think it would have been betetr to skip the end of the world and i think it would have been good to let this take its time, be several chapters let us get to know the characters, even the random murder victims so that we would care more when they died and most importantly the main character should have had a bit harder time to decide the things he decides, especially killing Ashley
Also how the hell did everyone find out that it was Airin? i mean he didnt seem exactly subtle but becuse we dont see the murders we can not know that and how come their answer is to murder him rather then report it to the police?

there are more things but they are mostly trivial, i just hope you will listen to my advice so you can write better in the future for now i have to rate this story 3/10 becuse it at least had a flowing story and the main character is lots of fun if only becuse of how inconsitent and batshit insane he is

[Blade_Viper]

Hi, Lord! thanks for taking the time to read my story. I'm sorry that you didn't like it but I thank you for your honest and fair review of my story. I assure you that I will take your comments into mind the next time I write something. Thanks and have a nice day!

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