Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

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Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by StardoostLegend on Thu Oct 13, 2016 12:32 pm

While death is usually seen as the end, in this story, it is merely the beginning. Our story begins with the death of a man, who has his life shrouded in mystery. However, he did not live a life of evil, but rather, a life of misery. He loathed his very existence so much, that he decided one day, to end it once and for all. He slit his wrist with a rusty dagger, and started to lose consciousness as his blood drained out. Through his death however, his soul was released, and made its descent down into the ghoulish world of Limbo, where all deceased souls go.
During the descent, his soul had formed a new vessel, one to replace its former physical one. It was molded through his memories, and made exactly in his earthly image. This was to have the soul protect itself from the harsh conditions of Limbo.
When he had woken up, he saw before him the very embodiment of Hell. He saw a world colored entirely in crimson, made up of sulfur and brimstone, with bits of crushed bone powdered on the ground. The entire world was an underground chasm, with stalactites hanging down from the ceiling like the teeth of a beast. The only light source comes from the Phlegethon river, a flowing river made entirely of fire and lava.
The man had found himself outside of Tartarus, where the wicked and evil are damned for eternity. He was at first confused and frightened, he did not know where he was or what was happening. But when he saw the gash he inflicted upon himself on his wrist, he remembered what had happened, and realized that he had died.
But instead of a sense of horror and dread, he felt something else growing within him. He felt a sense of… opportunity. Limbo was far more than the crimson chasms of Tartarus, and beyond them was a lesser world that has more than anyone can imagine. The man saw Limbo as an escape, an escape from his earthly existence. A rebirth into a new world. A whole new start at life.
He wandered around through the rivers and fields of Limbo, until he reached his destination. He had reached the Lethe river, the river of forgetfulness. The souls of Limbo would come to this river to cleanse themselves from their earthly memories, in order to help start their new existence in the Underworld. Those who drank from this river would forget entirely of their earthly memories. The man cupped his hands together and drank from the river, and started to feel his memories fade away. He didn’t even remember why he had been miserable with his life, and that’s what he wanted. He wanted to forget, to start over. To symbolize this rebirth, he adopted a new name. He was now known, as Eregus Fnere. The name Eregus came from the greek word Erebus, meaning darkness or shadow. It symbolized him casting a shadow over his earthly life, and shrouding it into darkness. He was reborn.
Eregus then continue to wander, trying to meet people along the way. The inhabitance of Limbo was much more unusual. Many around the area were extremely deformed, grotesque, and had lack of skin or flesh. Many lacked body parts, or had too many of them. Living for so long in Limbo takes it’s tolls on the weak form. In Limbo, a simple paper cut could take decades to heal, or wounds may not heal entirely. But even if the flesh is damaged, the vessel also has more tolerance down in Limbo. While physical pain still exists in Limbo, a wound that would be considered fatal in the Earthly realm, would be miniscule in Limbo. Afterall, you cannot die if you are already dead. But if the vessel is damaged enough, the soul could be released once more, to either fade into the environment, or find a new vessel…
Eregus tried to make small talk with others, but he was often ignored or barked at. Many of those in Limbo start to turn cold and distant, even brutal. The conditions they lived in were insufferable, and the rulers of Limbo, Cerbeus and Hydra, were tyrants. Cerbeus was the ruler of Northern Limbo, the area of fire and brimstone, while Hydra ruled the south, an area characteristic of deep waters and misty fogs. Both of them ruled with unnecessary cruelty. They had assembled a Guard of Limbo, and they had claimed it was to keep “order”. But often, the guard were ordered to harass inhabitance with no reason, and had detained those of no wrong doing for unnecessary organ removal.
Eregus’ mood of hope had started to fade as his small talk was met with resentment. And while Eregus met a few decent people along his travels, most of those around were either uncaring, or downright insane. He was starting to come to terms with the bitterness of Limbo, and started to feel resentment for the world. His stomach had shriveled up from not eating anything in months, and eventually gave in to eating raw human flesh sold in the Asphodel market. His clothes had become worn rags, and he eventually grew tired and sick.
One day however, he had an encounter with a Limbo Guard. Starving and sick, he wandered around and on the ground in front of him he couldn’t believe what he saw. A single, fresh orange unpeeled and perfectly smooth on the ground. There was nobody there, so he reached down and picked it up. He held and looked at it as if it was a bar of gold. Eregus was about to dig in and eat, when someone had walked up in front of him. With each of the large, bulky figure’s steps, it sounded like an earthquake shaking the ground. He looked up to see a hideous snout breathing heavily onto him, the figure looking down at Eregus as if he was in judgement.
At that time, Eregus was face to face with one of the head Guards of Limbo, Tortor.
“I-uh, do you need anything?” Eregus asked nervously.
“What’s that in your hand?” Tortor asked. His voice was like that of a dragon.
“It’s just an orange…” he answered.
“Give it to me.” Tortor suddenly demanded.
“Wh-what?” Eregus stuttered.
“I said, give it to me.” His tone became more menacing.
“Is it yours?” He questioned back.
“I don’t care who’s it was, just give it to me.” Tortor was losing patience.
“Look I found it on the ground first, we could split it if yo-“
“Just give me the damn orange.” Tortor barked. Eregus started trembling, but wasn’t about to get pushed over by him.
“N-no.” Eregus answered nervously. In his mind he was thinking to just run away or give up the orange. Tortor was nearly twice his size, and could easily crack his skull, but he was tired of the same rotten attitude everyone had.
“Give it to me, before I rip your puny body in half, and force you to eat your own flesh.” Tortor threatened.
With that, Eregus immediately turned away from Tortor and ran from him. Out of pure rage, Tortor chased him. Tortor eventually caught up to Eregus and tackled him to the ground, but in the process, Eregus dropped the orange and it rolled off into the woods. Tortor stared blankly into the woods, and Eregus took advantage of that and ran. Tortor cursed at Eregus and cried out that he would get vengeance.
Eregus eventually couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to escape from his human existence, but was met with an even worst one. He couldn’t kill himself in Limbo even if he wanted to. He would have to spend eternity here. But Eregus didn’t want that, he then decided to do everything in his power, to escape.
Eregus eventually saw opportunity to escape in a rebellion. Many of the inhabitance of Limbo shared the same goal as Eregus, and were sick of living in such misery. They attempted to storm the Palace of Hades for the only exit to the earthly realm, which was the Gate of Ivory. It was a one way exit out of Limbo, and it was located at the heart of the Palace.
Their rebellion however, was crushed easily by the Guards of Limbo, and Eregus was one of the lucky few who escaped the chaos with his soul. During Eregus’ escape however, he saw the grim face of Tortor staring back at him. However, they lost eachother in the chaos before Tortor could even utter a single word.
Thousands of souls were taken and punished, and Cerebus and Hydra sealed the gate once and for all. Security also doubled throughout the Palace.
While Eregus did escape, he realized he wouldn’t survive on his own. He had no money, he had no power, he had no allies. He was alone, he would eventually go insane from the conditions of Limbo and become just another savage monster or creature. In desperation, Eregus had surrendered himself to Cerebus and begged for mercy. Cerebus had decided that Eregus would share the same fate as those who submit, and he would spend the rest of eternity as a ferryman…

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Khina Bree on Fri Oct 14, 2016 1:52 pm

This is rather long for just a simple "introduction "

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by StardoostLegend on Sat Oct 15, 2016 2:03 pm

Oracle wrote:This is rather long for just a simple "introduction "

regardless what do you think?

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Khina Bree on Sat Oct 15, 2016 2:31 pm

it kind of gives me a vibe of "The Divine Comedy" but with a Tim Burton-style twist to it.

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Nosferatu Alucard on Sun Oct 16, 2016 12:05 pm

Oracle wrote:it kind of gives me a vibe of "The Divine Comedy" but with a Tim Burton-style twist to it.

A vibe. Of "The Divine Comedy"? Please, this is completely different from Dante's magnum opus. I mean, only because it has hell and dimensions? "The Divine Comedy" describes hell completely different from this. Dusty's Limbo has nothing related to Dante's one, where the first circle contains the unbaptized and the virtuous pagans, who, although not sinful, did not accept Christ. Dusty concept of Limbo is completely different, since the man of the story would end up into the 2nd ring of the 7th Hell's circle if you were considering Dante's logic, for committing violence against himself. Dusty's story is more inspired on the Greek mythology, as you can see when he uses the Phlegethon River and Tartarus. If you analyse his work better, you can realize the concepts nearly identical to the Greek mythology: "At the moment of death the soul is separated from the corpse, taking on the shape of the former person, and is transported to the entrance of the Underworld." Even though there are more points to approach, I'll stop here since this is already way too big.

tl;dr impossible to have a vibe of "The Divine Comedy".

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Lord Beerus on Sun Oct 16, 2016 12:08 pm

to long can't read it all.... kyle.exe has stopped responding.
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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by StardoostLegend on Sun Oct 16, 2016 4:20 pm

Kyle Broflovski wrote:to long can't read it all.... kyle.exe has stopped responding.
>.>

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Khina Bree on Sun Oct 16, 2016 4:29 pm

Craig Tucker wrote:
Oracle wrote:it kind of gives me a vibe of "The Divine Comedy" but with a Tim Burton-style twist to it.



tl;dr impossible to have a vibe of "The Divine Comedy".

It's what I got the impression of. Not once did I say it was 100%. Not necessary to try to disprove an impression or opinion. Just makes you look like a giant asshole man.

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Nosferatu Alucard on Sun Oct 16, 2016 7:01 pm

Oracle wrote:
Craig Tucker wrote:
Oracle wrote:it kind of gives me a vibe of "The Divine Comedy" but with a Tim Burton-style twist to it.



tl;dr impossible to have a vibe of "The Divine Comedy".

It's what I got the impression of. Not once did I say it was 100%. Not necessary to try to disprove an impression or opinion. Just makes you look like a giant asshole man.

Pft, please. I just questioned your vibe of "The Divine Comedy" and stated my arguments to counter what you said since it was non-sense in my point of view.

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Khina Bree on Sun Oct 16, 2016 7:38 pm

Whatever helps you sleep at night dearie

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Kiernan on Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:51 pm

The major issue I had with this is too much exposition. It's a problem I've found with your writing style in general: You tend to spoon-feed the reader, which isn't really a good thing, but it's fairly easily fixed. You don't need to explain everything. Not doing so generates more interest in the story and lets the reader form questions in their mind that they want the book to answer-- not outright, but over time during the journey.

Just my opinion tho =p

Concept is pretty interesting. Not bad for a rough draft overall I'd say.

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by StardoostLegend on Mon Oct 17, 2016 4:01 am

Kiernan wrote:The major issue I had with this is too much exposition. It's a problem I've found with your writing style in general: You tend to spoon-feed the reader, which isn't really a good thing, but it's fairly easily fixed. You don't need to explain everything. Not doing so generates more interest in the story and lets the reader form questions in their mind that they want the book to answer-- not outright, but over time during the journey.

Just my opinion tho =p

Concept is pretty interesting. Not bad for a rough draft overall I'd say.

Yeah it does seem big for exposition, but another problem I have with writing is not give in ENOUGH exposition. At times when I write I sometimes just start by leaving the reader entirely in the blue, leaving them confused

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Nosferatu Alucard on Mon Oct 17, 2016 6:24 am

Oracle wrote:Whatever helps you sleep at night dearie

I call it "about 1 mg of Lunesta before sleeping, 'dearie'."

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Lord Beerus on Mon Oct 17, 2016 6:51 am

Craig.exe has become more smart.
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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Kiernan on Mon Oct 17, 2016 9:53 am

Please don't turn this thread into a flame war.

Also, Stardust, try to find a middle ground as far as exposition goes. It will help a lot and also make it much more enjoyable to read. For instance, you describe your main character's motivations and emotions outright. Don't do that. Let the audience know with little hints how he's feeling. Like, instead of saying he's mad, say he clenches and unclenches his fist a few times. It gets the same point across, but you're also using a more concrete description rather than an abstract emotional one. Concrete descriptors are more objective and help the reader feel more immersed (or at least that's my experience with them)

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by Rea on Mon Oct 17, 2016 10:43 am

Topic has been locked.
Craig, in the future please try not to antagonize users for stating their Opinions in the future. thanks.

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

Post by α27theDemonKnight on Mon Oct 17, 2016 11:50 am

Unlocking this thread.

Xavier's statement after the lock though, still stands and I ditto that.
Two conflicting inflated egos attempting to play ping pong or otherwise.

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Re: Down In Limbo- Introduction (ROUGH DRAFT CONCEPT)

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